Swiping Right

Like many people, I’m single at heart. This is something that took me an inordinate amount of time to learn, but which all my romantic companions discovered much sooner. (The maximum length of any of my relationships, including my ill-fated marriage, was 3 ½ years.) There was, of course, dating along the way to this self-discovery, done the old-fashioned way via in-person encounters. “Old-fashioned” may be the wrong qualifier, however. Many people made use of personal ads during my halcyon dating years, but not a majority. In the 21^st century the personals have largely (yet not entirely) been superseded by dating sites and apps. A majority of Millennials and GenZs do use online dating sites. (A substantial minority of older folks currently use them, too.) These sites are really just a more complex incarnation of personals ads, which have been a feature of newspapers for more than two centuries.
 
In the American colonies personal ads first appeared in 1759 – a century later than in England. Francesca Beauman writes about the history of advertising for romance in her book Matrimony, Inc.: from Personal Ads to Swiping Right, a Story of America Looking for Love. But for phrasing (the old ones are better written) little has changed in the content of such ads since then despite radical social changes over the centuries. As evolutionary psychologists would predict, men posting such ads mostly seek someone young and pretty (many 19^th century ads specify 18-24) while women mostly ask for someone financially secure and reliable (many 19^th century ads also specify no drunkards). The 21^st century is strangely not much different than the 18^th. Notes an article in the Telegraph, “Research gathered in a scientific speed-dating study [http://www.pnas.org/content/104/38/15011.full] reveals that when it comes to the rules of attraction people behave like stereotypical Neanderthals.” The same pattern is reflected in ads and in dating site behavior as in in-person speed dating.

 
From a modest start in the 18^th century personal ads in America saw an explosion in the 19^th century. A common type was ads from men who had homesteaded a farm or built a business out West but were unhappily single. Wrote, for example, A.B. Collins in the Leavenworth Times (1870): “I wish to make the acquaintance of a lady of good character, between the ages of 22 and 30; good looking, good disposition, understands and likes housekeeping, would like to live on a farm, and if understands music please mention it.” As for female posters, this from the Public Ledger, November 5, 1845, was fairly typical. “WANTED – A HUSBAND. The qualifications requisite are industry, sobriety and honesty; one that is capable of making a wife happy and a home comfortable, not over 40 years of age and of gentlemanly appearance.”
 
The ads are weirdly fascinating, and were at the time even to those who had no intention of answering them. Wrote Mark Twain (1867), “You may sit in a New York Restaurant for a few hours, and you will observe that the very first thing each man does, before ordering breakfast, is to call for the Herald – and the next thing he does is to look at the top of the first column and read the personals… There is such a toothsome flavor of mystery about them!”
 
Unsurprisingly, professionals used the personals to promote business, though because of newspaper policies their intentions were thinly disguised, e.g from an 1872 Cincinnati Enquirer, “A young lady of 20 would like the acquaintance of a nice middle-age gentleman of means: object, pleasure during the summer months.” If anything, late 20^th century ads of this type in respectable publications tended to be even more discreet, offering such services as “relaxation therapy for the tired executive.” (Discretion isn’t a big feature of comparable 21^st century internet ads.) At least these ads were for voluntary trade, legal or not. But there was always a legitimate fear among interested readers, as there is today, that an advertiser was a more dangerous sort of criminal. In general, women had to be more cautious, but men, too, could encounter the likes of Belle Gunness. In the late 19^th and early 20^th centuries the enterprising Belle placed newspaper ads for men seeking “companionship with wealthy widow.” The ads required that the men have at least $1000 (about $35,000 today) to prove they wouldn’t just be leaches. The men who answered the ads, mostly Scandinavian and German immigrants, then disappeared. The number is still uncertain but a couple dozen bodies were discovered buried at her farm after a 1908 fire brought things to light. More graves are probably still undiscovered. Belle presumably died in the fire but her remains were never identified.
 
The bulk of the ads, however, were from people legitimately seeking romance. The personal ads faded for a while in the mid-20^th century but never went away entirely. In the late 20^th they made a comeback and then were largely replaced by dating sites and apps in the 21^st.  The self-advertising on these sites is more thorough and indeed more personal (though probably no more reliable) than the old personals. Once again, a majority of Millennials and GenZs use them. Despite the ease of using them, oddly Millennials and GenZs in general date less than their parents and grandparents did at their ages. Whether dating apps somehow contribute to that decline is an open question. Other social factors may be more important.
 
The biggest complaint from social critics about the modern apps is that they promote class tribalization. The filters allow one to consider only those of similar class, education, politics, and values, and most users do precisely that. My own suspicion, though, is that the use of filters in this manner simply reflects the tribalization that already exists. I doubt the apps make a big difference
 
As that may be, I’m just glad to be out of it. For many of us, (Pace Tennyson) tis better to have loved and lost than to have loved and found. It’s relaxing to make peace with that.
 

Lou Reed – Looking for Love