Since the earlier post More
Dust, More Disks more DVDs have spun their tales in my den in an ongoing
home project to play the contents of my DVD shelves that I otherwise would be
unlikely to watch without prompting. The decisions to keep (shelve) or toss
(unshelve) follow.
Compelling Evidence (1995) – I don't know how this DVD got on my shelf in the first
place, because I certainly didn't buy it. I must assume a guest once brought it
(why?) and left it behind (I know why). The movie has a 1.3 rating on IMDB. Robot Monster (1953) has a 2.9. The
famously awful The Room has a 3.6.
Compelling Evidence stars Brigitte Nielson, best known for the Conan spin-off Red Sonja: a so-so pic, but she looked good in warrior garb and
probably inspired Xena. Maybe warrior
garb would have helped this movie, but I doubt it. Compelling Evidence co-stars Dana Plato, of all people, who at 13
had been in the cast of the family sitcom Diff'rent
Strokes. This flick was made between Dana’s arrest for holding up a video
store and her fatal drug overdose. I’m struggling to find something positive to
say about this movie, but all I can muster is that the felonious Dana looks
surprisingly good naked.
The plot: just before
the release of his most recent movie, a successful action movie star announces
he is quitting the business; he also says he is leaving his wife. He has a
girlfriend but cheats on her, too. His wife is murdered (we see the crime but
not the perpetrator) and then other people connected to the actor are killed.
He has motive and no alibi in each case, but the police have no proof of his
guilt. The publicity is great for the studio and the new movie however. Yes, I
know: it’s not a bad idea for a script – but not this script and not this
production. The writing, acting and direction are dreadful.
This DVD is Unshelved with a vengeance, though I
might give it as a present to someone I really dislike.
Decoys (2004) and Decoys 2:
Alien Seduction (2007) – Both of
these are bad movies by any reasonable standard, but unlike Compelling Evidence, they achieve the
coveted so-bad-it’s-good redemption. At
St. John
College in New
Brunswick Canada ,
gorgeous coeds arrive on campus, and the guys find them
astonishingly…um…friendly. Uh-oh, they’re aliens, and they don’t look so pretty
when they’re just being themselves. Their race is facing some kind of genetic
crisis and they need to blend their DNA with humans if they hope to reproduce.
Unfortunately, this involves shoving tentacles down guys’ throats. Since they
come from an icy planet, they have trouble getting the temperature just right
while they are doing this; time after time they accidently freeze their lovers
to death, but they keep trying. In Decoys
2 they are back, this time just across the US
border, but a former St. John
student is on campus and recognizes them. (The concept is a gender-reversal of
a common sci-fi B-movie plot, as in I
Married a Monster from Outer Space and Mars
Needs Women.) The films are goofy and sophomoric, but in their own way fun.
Shelved.
Cherry 2000 (1987) – This is one of the many postapocalyptic movies
popular in the 1980s. Following some unspecified catastrophe, much of the world
has survived and rebuilt, but large swaths of US territory are still outside the
rule of law. Also, industry has suffered a major technological setback, so
“trackers” can make good money scavenging tech goods from the lawless zones for
recycling. Robotic technology had reached a high level before the disaster;
lots of humaniform robots survive, but they cannot be replaced. They seem to be
used almost exclusively for sex, which is unsurprising considering how badly
the human sexes get along in this version of the future. Sam’s love-bot, a
stunning high-end model Cherry 2000, shorts out beyond any hope of repair. He
hires a tracker to take him into the lawless Zone 7 (the environs of Las Vegas ) where Cherry
models are believed to be stored in abandoned sand-covered casinos. Melanie
Griffith is the tracker, a sort of Mad Maxine, and, as you might imagine, she
makes Sam wonder if he really wants a robot. They are up against Lester, a
crazy wellness guru whose well-armed cult runs the Zone. He hates trackers.
Parts of the movie barely make sense – such as the way they cross the Colorado River – but it is somehow likable for all that.
It turns out pretty much the way you would expect, but that’s OK. A little
unabashed sentimentality is agreeable sometimes. Shelved.
Bullets or Ballots (1936) – This might seem to be a classic movie
that I would rewatch without prompting, and therefore would exclude from the
project. However, I’ve never been a fan of gangster movies as a genre. Oh,
there are exceptions such as The Roaring
Twenties (1939) or Scarface
(1932) which rise above the usual standards, but generally speaking I pass on
them. Bullets or Ballots needed a
prompt. Any movie with Edward G. Robinson, Humphrey Bogart, and Joan Blondell
in it can’t be all bad, and this isn’t. Edward G. pretends to be a cop gone bad
and infiltrates “the rackets.” There is tough guy talk and much punching of
noses for no good reason. Eventually (a political message suited to the 1930s)
he uncovers who truly is secretly running the rackets: a cabal of Wall Street
bankers. It is not a bad movie, but it never delivers more than one expects and
never gets past what by 1936 already was cliché. Shelved, but I won’t be upset if someone borrows it and forgets to
return it.
Safety Not Guaranteed
(2012) – A Seattle magazine sends a reporter and two interns to a small
seaside town to see who posted an ad in the newspaper seeking a companion for
time travel. It reads:
Wanted: Somebody to go back
in time with me. This is not a joke. P.O.
Box 91 Ocean View ,
WA 99393 .
You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not
guaranteed. I have only done this once before.
They expect to discover some kook for a human-interest
story. The fellow who placed the ad is named Kenneth (Mark Duplass), and he
does indeed seem delusional though not in a dangerous way. He appears to
believe in time travel and he is convinced that secret agents are following
him. He refuses to talk to the reporter, but the young female intern Darius (Aubrey Plaza )
gains his trust by pretending to answer the ad. Darius has a weird darkness to
her nature and humor, but this appeals to Kenneth. The clincher for him is her very
real reason for wanting to go back in time: the preventable death of her
mother. Kenneth has his own personal reasons to timetravel. (Who doesn’t?)
Darius learns that Kenneth truly is being followed, and he is building
something with lasers. What if he isn’t delusional? There is a sidestory
involving the reporter and an old high school flame – another sort of time
travel and one that doesn’t need lasers. This is a well-written, well-acted,
and clever little movie. It proves yet again that you don’t need a high budget
to make an impressive film, just a good script. Shelved and recommended.
Cecil B Demented
(2000) – John Waters has said that American culture is trash culture. He
doesn’t mean it as an insult. He has produced and directed some extraordinary
trash, and I don’t mean that as an insult either. Cecil B. Demented is an
underground film director who attacks the mainstream Hollywood
industry by kidnapping self-obsessed film star Honey Whitlock (Melanie
Griffith) and forcing her to perform in his movie, including scenes of live
guerilla strikes on film-industry targets. Originally resistant, Honey turns to
the point of view of her captors and actively participates with them. (With
irony typical of John Waters, Patty Hearst is in the cast.) This film is
definitely not for everyone, but recommended for those whose tastes are
slightly…well…demented. And I don’t mean that as an insult. Shelved.
The Last Horror Film (1982) – Caroline Munro, thanks to her brief
swimsuit scene in The Spy Who Loved Me
(1977), went on to a very busy career in cheap sci-fi and horror films.
Sometimes, as in Starcrash (1978),
her bikini is the only thing of merit in the production. In The Last Horror Film, a Troma
production, a creepy taxi driver becomes obsessed by scream queen actress Jana
Bates (Caroline Munro) and follows her to Cannes
in hopes of directing a movie with her. (There are repeated references in the
film to Hinckley ’s obsession with Jodie Foster,
and Taxi Driver.) His efforts to meet
with her are blocked, and the people who block him start to die one by one with
the usual Troma gory effects. But is he really the killer? This type of
tongue-in-cheek horror aims for camp, but camp is a very small bullseye on a
very big target. It wasn’t struck here. It’s better than Compelling Evidence, but nonetheless Unshelved.
Black Widow (1987) – This
film got a lot of air and cable time in the 90s, but since then largely has
vanished from the small screen. The actress Theresa Russell is sultry. She
can’t help it. (She is also charming – I’ve met her at Chiller Theater
conventions.) This has served her well in films such as the police drama Impulse (1990) and the bluntly titled Whore (1991). She was the perfect pick
for the seductress in Black Widow who
has a knack for marrying wealthy older men who then die from causes that appear
natural. Debra Winger is a federal Justice Department researcher who by
happenstance notices that the photos of the wives of two deceased men look a
lot alike. Further digging convinces her that a serial killer is at work,
though the evidence is thin. She becomes obsessed with tracking down the black
widow, finally befriending her in Hawaii
where she hopes to entrap her. Winger’s obsession with Russell is not just
professional; there is also an element of envy and perhaps even attraction. The
movie has some flaws, but on the whole it is well-plotted and acted. Shelved.
High School
Confidential (1958) – This movie
is high camp. The 50s slang, the Jerry Lee Lewis soundtrack, the street races,
and Russ Tamblyn’s bombshell aunt (Mamie Van Doren) combine for a truly
enjoyable 90 minutes. Let’s not omit the coffee house Beat poetry: “Turn your
eyes inside and dig the vacuum.” Santa Bellow High School is plagued by
marijuana. Tamblyn is the new kid in school. He wants to take over the pot
trade along with the affections of the wealthy and pretty pothead Diane
Jergins; he also wants to sell harder drugs. The drug kingpin in town is none
other than Jackie Coogan (better known as Uncle Fester in the ‘60s Addams Family sitcom). Marvelous stuff. Shelved.
Husbands and Wives
(1992) – This is not the easiest film to watch, and not because of its
peculiar style which alternates between traditional filmmaking and a faux
documentary with hand-held cameras. It is because of the subject matter.
Relationships are hard, and marriage is hardest of all – which may explain why
so many folks these days are on what Psychology
Today blogger Jen Kim calls a marriage strike. Gabe and Judy (Woody Allen
and Mia Farrow) are forced to confront strains in their own marriage when their
friends Jack and Judy announce their impending divorce. What follows are series
of betrayals, make-ups, harsh feelings, romantic feelings, and infidelities
(including a near one with a young Juliette Lewis). If you are in a long-term
relationship, there is much in Husbands
and Wives to cause unease. Some of the dialogue, in light of real
subsequent events, has unintended irony, as when Mia asks Woody if he hides
things from her such as “secret yearnings.” Despite that (or because of it) the
film also is hard to stop watching through to the end. Painful, but in a good
way. Shelved.
Counting the two Decoys
as one, that gives us an even 10 which is a nice round number for this week.
(Tangential old joke: There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary
and those who don’t.) Top recommendations: Husbands
and Wives for the squirm, Safety Not
Guaranteed for the heart, and High
School Confidential for the laughs.