Redux

 I got a phone call out of the blue last week from someone I dated none-too-seriously back in the early 1980s. She just wanted to catch up. I’ve done something similar. In the early 2000s I called out of the blue someone I had dated rather-more-seriously in the late 1980s. (She broke up with me in 1989.) I just wanted to catch up. Both calls were nice talks. There was no intent or effort to reignite anything in either case. Nostalgia just calls out to us sometimes. Besides, I think we’d all be in for a shock if we ever met face to face. I still think of the caller as 25ish. (I was 30ish). Both of us are now on Social Security.

 

I mentioned the call in passing to a friend of mine who asked an interesting question: “What if it had been your first love who called?” (That would have been age 23 in the 1970s: I got a late start in those matters.) Would I have tried to set up a face-to-face in that case? The answer is, I don’t know for sure. Probably not, especially if there was time to think about it. But sometimes we get caught up in a moment and blurt out invitations, so I don’t know. The first is always different.

Nearly 5 decades later it is still inappropriate to post a recognizable pic

 

I think this is a major reason why YA (young adult) melodramas on screen and in print are popular not only with the target audiences but with adults. 55% of readers of YA books are actual adults. Meghan Harrington, publicist at St. Martin's Press & Wednesday Books, comments, "YA readership includes everyone, whether you are 13 or 42." Todd Krueger, president of the Young Adult Library Services Association, says "It allows adult readers a reminder of a time of possibility, even if their own adolescences weren't spectacular." Those youthful years are full of firsts, and those firsts always burn brighter than later repeats, even when the repeats are better by most measures. First infatuations are more intense and first breakups more shattering. Older readers vicariously relive those experiences. Viewers, too. It is, in fact, hard to rewrite teen dramas for older characters. The over-the-top melodramatics in shows such as Roswell, Dawson’s Creek, and Riverdale simply wouldn’t translate to age 30-something characters. They are credible for teens. (OK, the alien thing in Roswell stretches credibility, but you know what I mean.) They are credible for early 20s, too, if the firsts have been delayed until then.

 

In a sense we don’t get past the first love, since that experience forms a part of our adult identities and influences all subsequent relations. People notoriously gravitate toward new partners who look and act similarly to the first one. Notes Theodore Lykin in a Fischer Institute article, “First love often serves as a benchmark for our future romantic relationships… leaving an indelible mark that influences our subsequent love encounters.” There is a neurochemical basis for this. In a 2005 study fMRI scans showed distinct similarity to scans of addicts. It is no wonder there are withdrawal symptoms when that first serious relationship ends. Psychologist Rose Bear, Lykin reports, notes that many years later we still may “hear a particular song that evokes memories of them.”

 

There is, of course, a reason why that first love ended in a breakup. That reason very likely still applies. It is not necessarily a good thing, common though it is, to try to recreate that first relationship in later ones. (Never mind the hint of disrespect inherent in that attempt.) This is asking for the same old problems. (This is advice I have honored in the breach.) It is possible to get past an addiction, and it is generally worth the effort. So, even after all these years, my answer to the question in the second paragraph is no – not that it is on offer, but still no. But it is a fond no, not a hostile one.

 

Linda Ronstadt – I Ain’t Always Been Faithful, But I Always Have Been True