Keeping Secrets

Several months ago I finally got around to getting my family/personal photo albums in reasonable order. Four ring binders comprise the physical version. There are four digital files, too, saved as Word documents since these are easy to edit by adding and deleting scanned photos, adding or amending commentary, and so forth. The four digital files parallel but don’t quite match the corresponding ring binders. A lot of repetitive photos are excluded from the Word albums while a lot of commentary, including anecdotes and family lore, is added to them. There is less commentary than I initially contemplated though. I seriously considered creating a set of photo-illustrated tell-all biographies that in spots would be unflattering. In the end I decided against it. That’s not really what albums are for. They serve more anodyne purposes: evoking nostalgia in family members who look at them and boredom in others. They are not for revealing dark secrets. Besides, as friends and family members pass (most of the folks in my photos are gone), we survivors tend to get protective of their secrets as well as of our own. In a strange way they become ours to keep.
 
Everyone has secrets. Most of them are selective, which is to say we hide them from some people but reveal them to others whom we trust. There are always limits to trust, however, so there are some secrets we take to the grave. According to David Ludden, Ph.D., writing in Psychology Today, studies show the typical person carries about a dozen of these latter type. Not all of them would seem important to an outsider, but it’s enough that they seem important to the secret-holder. There were obvious obstacles to conducting the studies (the subjects were no more likely to reveal deep secrets to researchers than to anyone else) so most researchers opted for asking the subjects what types of secrets had been revealed to them by confidantes. These likely are the same as (or at least akin to) the secrets folks never reveal. The most common:
 
Infidelity
Having been physically abused or assaulted
Having engaged in physical abuse or assault
Mental illness (anything from minor anxiety to psychosis)
Alcoholism (whether active or not)
Drug abuse
Unacknowledged offspring
Abortion
STDs
Kinky sexual proclivities
Severe financial distress
Orientation
Cheating at work or in academics
Criminal record
Having gotten away with a crime (anything from petty theft to murder)
and (somewhat oddly since I rarely meet people who are reticent about them) Religious beliefs
 
This is far from a comprehensive list. Some past thoughts or deeds that don’t fit those categories are regarded by the secret-holders as simply too embarrassing to share with others. Conversely they may take pride in some act (say, covert revenge) that would seem sociopathic to others. They may not wish to endanger a marriage by admitting an emotional attachment to someone else. The types of secrets are endless. The motive for keeping a secret might be practical (e.g. avoiding breakup or arrest), but most often it is a matter of either self-image or public image.
 
For this reason I always have taken autobiographies with a shaker of salt – especially ones by politicians but by all others as well. I still read them sometimes since they do offer useful stories and insights, but they also certainly leave key secrets out of the narratives. Even Giacomo Casanova (1725-1798), whose memoirs run to 12 volumes (!), and whose tales of deceit and seduction are often unflattering to himself, tells us with honesty rare in a memoirist that he left out some of his most depraved adventures due to conscience. (The memoirs are a fun read, by the way; they are available for free at gutenberg.org.)

Casanova 

I haven’t led as exciting a life as Casanova. I’d have trouble filling one volume. I might try it one day anyway. In it I might even reveal some of those secrets I left out of the albums – except for maybe a dozen.

 

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