Rue the Day

Last week I stumbled upon a podcast with an interview of Richard Gideon, author of Power of Regret: An in-depth look into the psychology of regret, its benefits, and how to break free from guilt. The discussion was interesting and tangentially related to Carl Jung, some of whose writings I was revisiting (see previous blog), but I had other things to do. So, I logged off – but not before ordering the “book” off Amazon. When it arrived it proved to be little more than a pamphlet that, at 22 pages, uses the term “in-depth” generously. However, if an author can say what he wants to say in that number of pages, I suppose there is no reason to yammer on for more.

We all have regrets. Some people claim they don’t, but they do. Yet, I understand what they mean when they say this. They mean they’ve made peace with their regrets. Some have simply forgiven themselves. Others, more philosophically, recognize that in order to accept who we are right now we must accept everything good and bad that got us to this point; everything in life and nature is so interconnected, after all, that one element cannot be changed without changing the whole. That doesn’t mean we wouldn’t do things differently if real life, like video games, had do-overs from various save points. But even this would require remembering having done it wrong the first time. Those things we would do over are still fairly called regrets. There is nothing to be gained by wallowing in them however. Making peace with them is the focus of Gideon’s publication.
 
Regrets come in three main flavors. The first are simple misjudgments that ended in embarrassment, harm, or financial cost. They don’t have a moral aspect. (I regret not having bought Intel stock in 1971 and Bitcoin in 2009.) The second involves a failure of character in our own eyes though not necessarily a violation of ethics. An example would be rudeness to a friend or parent just before he or she (for unrelated reasons) dies. While unpleasant, mere rudeness is not unethical per se, but a person still might feel regretful and guilty about it in the case mentioned. The third are actual moral transgressions that may or may not be criminal: betrayal, theft, assault, or worse.
 
We start accumulating regrets early, but by middle age we usually have a substantial stockpile. Back in 2016 the insurance company Allianz conducted a poll on life regrets. There were as many regrets of omission as commission in the answers. Some answers:  failure to quit abusive relationships sooner; failure to prepare children for independence, which is very much a first world problem; working too much; saving too little; clinging to grudges; not achieving more; spending too little time with children and with parents; and failure to be more daring. Men and women give similar answers with two notable exceptions. Women are more likely than men to express romantic regrets (44% vs 19%) while women are less likely than men specifically to regret divorce (27% vs 39%). Those two may seem to be in contradiction, but they are quite different: the former are mostly about what-might-have-been while the latter are about what-actually-was.
 
Gideon’s tips on letting go of the past are obvious, but are not wrong for being so. Put things in context, he advises, such as your age and level of experience at the time of the regrettable incident. Find the positive, e.g. the lessons and personal growth from the event. Remember that there is a reason that even under the law most crimes have statutes of limitations for prosecutions. We all are fools, jerks, and violators sometimes, and none more than those who insist they aren’t. There comes a time to give yourself a break over the past. “Stop being cruel to yourself,” Gideon says. “Accept you’ve served your sentence and let go of the guilt.”
 
So, remember but move on. If we don’t we’ll regret that too.

 

Edith Piaf – Non Je Ne Regrette Rien (No, I Regret Nothing)