Mugged by Coffee

I was up until well past 3 a.m. Friday night and arose again at 7 a.m next morning. There was no revelry afoot – just reading and TV. Insomnia is not a problem for me in a general way. Like everyone, I have times when worries keep me up at night, but this was not one of those times. I attribute the wakefulness to caffeine. I’m not particularly sensitive to caffeine. A cup of coffee just before bed typically won’t interfere with my sleep. Apparently three mugs will. Who would have thought? Friday evening I brewed a somewhat excessive pot of Starbuck’s “Colombia Single Origin” coffee, and ended up drinking all of it. I spent most of Saturday still a little bit buzzed.

Caffeine is one of those substances with a reputation that varies from one dubious research study to another. Sometimes it is touted as a health benefit and sometimes as a health hazard. In the early 1900s Coca-Cola was nearly put out of business when the U.S. government objected to its caffeine content, which, among other things, government lawyers claimed promoted promiscuity among youths; the company obviously survived but it was a closer call in the courts (see United States vs Forty Barrels and Twenty Kegs of Coca-Cola) than one might guess. This was at a time when cocaine and opiates were legal and laudanum (a blend of alcohol and opium) was sold over the counter. In the 1970s caffeine was widely reported to be bad for the pancreas: a claim later refuted. Currently it is believed to worsen anxiety but to give some protection against dementia. Detractors and proponents are probably both right about the broad picture: like most other substances it is likely healthy and unhealthy depending on dose. Both are probably wrong about many of the details: I’d bet against that promiscuity effect, for example.

How much caffeine is too much? Caffeine toxicity is a thing, but, unless you’re freakishly sensitive to the substance, achieving a lethal dose takes dedication, though it can be implicated in heart arrhythmia and other conditions in some people. Low-end estimates (most are higher) of a lethal dose of caffeine for an adult are 5 grams, which is equivalent to 6 gallons (23 liters) of McDonald’s coffee. Actual known cases of death by direct caffeine poisoning involve much higher doses: 100 times higher in cases such as a New Mexico woman who shot up intravenously and a man who gobbled handfuls of diet pills. I’m not in danger of drinking 6 gallons of coffee or 6 gallons of anything in a single evening. I think I’d have more serious problems than caffeine dosage well before reaching that quantity. A single cup can cause irritability and nervousness, of course. It also can improve alertness and concentration.

The longest I ever was awake at single stretch was 75 hours. This was at George Washington University as long ago as the spring of 1974. I had wrapped up other term papers with such thrilling titles as The Impact of a Vulnerable Grain Supply on the Imperialism of Fifth Century Athens, Demographic and Geographical Aspects of the South African Separate Development Project, and The Historical Writings of Procopius of Caesarea. Two more were due in a little over three days: Classical Influences on the Constitution and Great Seal of the United States and the 40-page A History of Land Use in the Township of Mendham from Colonial Times to 1974. (Worry not: I have no intention of trying to inflict these tomes on readers here.) All the (pre-internet) research was finished and they were roughed out, but they still needed substantial work. With no other stimulants but caffeine from coffee and Mountain Dew (for readers in one of the 100+ countries where it isn’t sold, Mountain Dew is a caffeinated fizzy drink) I worked without sleep to beat the deadline.

Three days later at 10:40 a.m. on a Friday morning, I finished typing the very last bibliography entry, grabbed both papers, and left my dorm on 19^th Street. One paper was due at 11 and the other at 1. I still recall the sensations as I strolled along F Street. Strangely, I didn’t feel sleepy in the usual sense, but my vision was fuzzy, the sound of DC traffic was oddly muted, and my feet as I walked felt as though big soft pillows were strapped to them. Door handles felt rubbery. I didn’t actually hallucinate, but I was on the verge. I’m pretty sure those effects were from sleep deprivation rather than caffeine. When I returned to my dorm later that day I slept for 12 hours. Both papers earned me my credits for the classes. I wouldn’t have stayed awake to finish them without caffeine, so I owe to caffeine my graduation a month later.

By the way, the scientifically verified record for sleep deprivation is held by Randy Gardner. In 1964 he stayed awake for 264.4 hours (11 days & 25 minutes), and he did it without caffeine. There are credible accounts of others who have beaten that record, but pending independent verification Randy’s still stands. I have no plans to challenge it, but I’m pretty sure I’d have no chance without coffee and Mountain Dew.

There was a time in my life when I deliberately avoided caffeine; it was a worrisome time, and caffeine tended to increase the worry. Those days are gone. There is still plenty about which to worry, but I just don’t care as much: one of the few common benefits of aging. So, caffeinated drinks are back in my life. But now it is past midnight and, despite minor caffeine bump-ups during the day from tea and other sources, the caffeine buzz has worn off. The eyelids are heavy. Time to sleep.

Alice Cooper – Caffeine